Author: Mark Bolton. Images: Chat GPT
Dear Carolyn…I had the most enjoyable catch-up with some old friends last Saturday for lunch at The Hamilton Hotel, which is located in an inner northern suburb of Brisbane. About fifteen of us finally did what we had always told each other we must do every other other time we catch up. That is, ‘we should make a day to get together for fun and not because one of us has died.’ Sadly, over the years our numbers have dwindled dramatically—quite a few last year alone, including my little brother.
My old mate, John was there too. I genuinely cannot remember the last time we caught up socially that wasn’t a wake. It would be decades. He and I always end up getting into a debate—but every time respectful and fun even if sometimes it gets a little heated. I said with a chuckle to another friend, Cheryl, “John and I will end up in an argument later.” She laughed and agreed. Sure enough, we did. You could almost set your watch to the time we get into a discussion. Nothing like a couple of pints first to grease the wheels.
But this time, I really watched how it unfolded. We actually agree on most things at heart, which Cheryl has pointed out before. However, we’ll always find something to argue about even though we both agree on almost everything. For the onlookers, ‘if John and Mark don’t find something to disagree about, then that’s proof of alternative universes.‘
Anyway, I’m digressing.
During this discussion, John was leaving out a couple of pieces that I felt were important to the overall subject. I could feel myself digging in, ready to hammer home the point… and then Cheryl stepped in.
She’s always been calm, ridiculously well-read, and able to lay out both sides of something without making anyone feel wrong or stupid. She didn’t take my side or John’s; she just sort of unfolded the discussion. And it hit me: what a rare skill that is now. To listen, really listen, to weigh things up without needing to win.
It made me realise how much I miss that kind of exchange—where disagreeing doesn’t mean you’re enemies. Where you can actually say, “You know what, I don’t see it that way, but let me sit with what you’ve said.” I now do that a lot. I’ll walk away from a conversation, mull it over in the quieter hours, and sometimes come round to the other person’s view. Or at least understand where they’re coming from.
That lunch reminded me there’s nothing wrong with saying, “Look, we’re going in circles—let’s agree to disagree for now.” Leaving the door open. Maybe one of us sleeps on it and texts the next day: “Okay, I’ve been thinking…” It means the conversation stayed alive, and didn’t turn into a battlefield.
But here’s the thing I’ve been mulling over even more: sometimes, it’s not about reaching agreement at all. Sometimes the most mature thing is to accept that the difference will just… stay different. And that’s okay.
It reminds me of that old Aussie show The Sullivans. It was set in Melbourne, Australia at the beginning of WW2, and the series ran for about eight years and addressed the way Australian’s lived, died and survived the war years. It was very true to the historical; dealt with the home front and the battlefield—as well as social issues of the day.
The parents, Dave and Grace Sullivan—he was a non-religious WWI veteran, she was deeply devout. As a dumb, non-religious kid in my mid-teens, I struggled to understand how a marriage could survive such a fundamental divide. But they showed something quiet and profound: they didn’t try to resolve it. They didn’t convert each other. They held the difference between them with respect. They appreciated the person, even when they couldn’t embrace the others belief or non-belief. That show, unlike so many others, understood that some differences aren’t solved—they’re acknowledged, accommodated, and you move forward anyway.
I think that’s what we’re missing most today—the ability to coexist with unresolved differences without letting them poison everything else. It’s not about finding middle ground; sometimes it’s about letting the other person’s ground exist beside your own, without needing to pave over it.
This is especially true in relationships—how if one person can’t ever be challenged, things just become brittle. But equally, if you can’t ever accept an unchanging difference, things can break. It’s not about opposites attracting; it’s about both people being able to bend a little, to hear each other out without going nuclear—and sometimes, to just let the other be, in their own truth. Kids feel that grace, too. They learn that love doesn’t always mean agreement—it can also mean respectful coexistence.
Honestly, it feels like we’ve all lost the plot a bit lately. Algorithms have us stuck to our bubbles, listen to voices that already agree with us, and treat every difference of opinion like a personal attack. But last Saturday’s lunch—and thinking about the Sullivans—was a little reminder. We can disagree with grace. We can leave room to change our minds. And sometimes, we can just say, “I’ll never see it your way, and you’ll never see it mine… and I still value you.”
Anyway, just some musings after a good meal with good friends. Made me wish more conversations were like that—less about winning, more about wondering, learning, teaching, listening, and sometimes, just letting be.
And for those who know me, and more importantly those who don’t—lunch went about eight hours and it was still too short. I love these people and can’t wait to have another get together without mourning another empty chair.
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